Narcissistic Abuse: What is a Heat Check?
What is a Heat Check?
I first heard this concept on one of the best channels in the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery community: Assc Direct.
The term was coined by Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach Quinn Holliday to describe those little feeler messages Narcissists send out to gauge your state of mind and check if your emotional temperature is running hot or cold.
A Heat Check is a tactic used by Narcissists to determine if their targets are ready to enter the Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse once again.
The term originally comes from basketball slang and refers to attempting to do something extra difficult when you’re on a roll. Think of a basketball player who is having a great game and takes a long shot just for the ego boost on the odd chance that it may yield a result.
A heat check is a micro-hoover. It is a pre-emptive message to ascertain if you are ripe for a successful full-on hoover by the Narcissist and barring that, to keep them living rent free in your mind.
How does a Heat Check play out?
Whether your ended the relationship or the Narcissist discarded you makes no difference when the Narcissist is seeking to revisit a good source of the attention and admiration that is their psychological fuel.
Heat Checks come out of nowhere — like a bolt from the blue — after the end of your relationship with the Narcissist. None of the pathological abuse tactics the Narcissist has inflicted on you will hinder them in their attempt to reconnect. Narcissist has a low level of neurosis and are known for their absence of conscience.
The key features of a Heat Check are passive aggression and ambient abuse (also known as gaslighting).
A Heat Check will usually come in the form of a text message or e-mail. In this initial communication with you, the Narcissist will play dumb. They’ll act like nothing happened. They’ll pretend there was no abuse, no discard, no smear campaign, no betrayal.
They may casually update you on something that happened in their life.
They may casually ask how you are or mention that something made them think of you.
Heat checks come off as neutral and innocent. This is why Heat Checks can be dangerous for survivors in the early stages of recovery who may still be susceptible to the coercions of their abuser.
How to respond to a Narcissistic Heat Check
Any response is fuel to a Narcissist. Whether you play it cool or tell them off. Don’t give them any fuel in the form of your precious time or energy.
The best response to a Heat Check is no response.
Use the following steps:
- Stay No Contact.
- Delete the message.
- Block the Narcissist.
- Take five deep breaths
- Go your merry way.
Watch our video to learn about a real life Heat Check!
Further reading
Smothers, H., Andrews, T. ‘Should I Text My Ex Happy Birthday.’ and ‘A Very Important Reminder.’
